another saturday

I drove up to see Patty at her Gainesville office today.  Sometimes that hour in the car to think is more difficult than at other times.  Not just the traffic but the thinking and the working and the trying to be an adult.  I do not aspire to be an “i turned 18” adult but rather a high performing adult, a developed adult, an adult not just functioning but excelling.  I should be able to speak to the “stages of adulthood” and which one I am in at the moment.  Tryng to be an independent adult and a father and a husband and a brother and an uncle and a friend to all is not always easy.  Some would say it is not even possible.  And still others would ask why anyone would take on such a task.

Perhaps the easiest times for me to understand my function are, for example, at Christine’s wedding where I have a role to play and everyone knows who I am (or who I appear to be) and I just need to remember to say the right things. But those moments when one must say no to a child or friend, when one can not be there to help, when a father must watch a child try something new, are the most difficult.  Gaining the respect of our own children is a lot easier when they are little. As they grow and judge and want and become their own persons, they can be the harshest judges in the world.  Sometimes I am challenged on why this is so difficult for me.  Other times I am challenged on why I worry about it at all.  But today I was challenged on why I believe I need to be so many things to so many people.  I need to clearly accept that my own behavior and beliefs are what make me so sad and depressed at times.  I can see it in other people. I can see when their behavior or opinions or judgements clearly cloud their judgement and bring about an “unexpected” outcome.  I can ask other people if they see the relationship between their behavior and their outcomes but I never imagined that was not constructive.  I never thought it might be hurtful.  Today it hurt me when I was asked in the same way by Patty, who is only there to help me.

I don’t understand myself so I dont know why I might expect others to see inside me and figure things out for me. We must all build up emotional walls to protect ourselves from feeling hurtful things.  I have built walls.  I should at least know where I have built the walls and how many I have.  Are there really only walls, or huge convoluted contructions of things meant to hide inconvenient things that I dont want to remember?  I made the virtual constructions so perfectly that I can not see them any more. I have no map. I took no notes. The walls do not show up on an x-ray or MRI or a blood test.  They are designed to hide things and nev er to be found.  They affect me as strongly as if I were standing in front of a physical wall.

So I drove to Gainesville today to see the oracle of the lake to get some clues.   She gave me much to think about.  Now I need to work on understanding what I can, work on underestanding myself, and start the map of where I have built these damn walls!

Love, David, Johns Creek, GA

Lake Lanier, just north of Atlanta, Georgia. USA