leaving shijiazhuang

I wrote this while riding on the train from Shijiazhuang to Wuxi in March 2018 but never published it.  I have been afraid to share too much.  I don’t know why I would be afraid, but I have been, I am.  Sometimes I pick up my daughter Grace at dance and she asks me “how are you?” and I say I am very very sad.  She puzzles for a minute and then realizes I have been listening to Sam Smith’s “Too Good at Goodbyes” over and over in a constant loop.  We laugh and sing along together.  Something must appeal to me about being in the muck of sad feelings.

on the train from Shijiazhuang

feeling very sad

fortunate and unfortunate at the same time

sad to leave Shijiazhuang

sad to leave Beijing

sad to leave Dalian

sad to leave Pulandian

sad to leave Shanghai

often good things come into my life

sometimes I bring my life into good things

on this trip both came together

i came to wonderful cities

wonderful new friends came to me

i found new art and artists around me

i found new art and an artist within me

open arms and open heart and open mind can bring the world

but must also bring goodbye

now only remember, wonder, think, what might have been

i have been welcomed into the drama of many lives

this all started with my cancer

i know where it ends

i must go alone to a new place one day

alone, just me

all I leave behind comes from how I touch other people

must spend time outside of the safe, outside of the known

must accept the pain of goodbyes